Beyond cold feet: Experiences of ending engagements and canceling weddings

Abstract

The engagement period is a critical window to understand stay–leave decisions because it marks a stage when individuals are moving toward lifelong commitment, but do not have the obligations of legal marriage that make dissolution more difficult. According to Inertia Theory, felt momentum can propel couples through relationship transitions without sufficient consideration of their dedication, which could constrain partners in poor quality relationships. Drawing from this perspective, we examined how individuals reduce relationship momentum and end a marital engagement. We conducted interviews with individuals who made the decision to end their engagements and cancel their weddings ( N = 30). Experiences were analyzed using grounded theory techniques. The core concept we identified, visualizing, consisted of imagining a relational future (or alternative present) that became heightened during the engagement period. Rituals of wedding planning (e.g., trying on a dress and selecting a venue) appear to serve as a catalyst for this process. This cognitive shift prompted individuals to slow relational momentum (e.g., through trial separations and the returning of rings) and reconsider “red flags” and constraints to leaving the relationship. Once participants decided to leave, they described the process of breaking off the engagement and uncoupling from their partners. Family members and friends who assisted in managing the emotional fallout and logistics of ending the engagement (e.g., canceling with vendors and informing guests) were reported as particularly helpful supports. Visualizing married life beyond the wedding may be leveraged to help individuals navigate premarital doubts.

Does couple communication predict later relationship quality and dissolution? A meta‐analysis

“…The current analyses did not include many studies exploring dissolution in more established unions. Conversely, other factors such as availability of alternatives and levels of commitment may interact with positive communication and influence relationship stability (Monk et al, 2020). Additional studies using dissolution as an outcome could shed more light on the impact of positive and negative communication behaviors on dissolution.…”

Strengthening lower‐income families: Lessons learned from policy responses to the COVID‐19 pandemic

“…Further, intervening as youth are navigating their first intimate experiences could prevent maladaptive relationship patterns from occurring during adolescence and later in life (Collins et al, 2009 ). Indeed, given relationship functioning early in marriage largely dictates how relationships unfold (Proulx et al, 2017 ), it is critical to intervene prior to constraints accruing that make it difficult to exit an unhealthy relationship (Monk et al, 2020 ).…”

Rules of engagement: A content analysis of accepted and rejected marriage proposals.

“…Performing celebration rituals during the dating episode of the marriage life script appears to amplify dater’s preexisting feelings about their relationships—whether positive or negative—and to spur thoughts about the state of the relationship and the future (Maniotes et al, 2020). For example, some writers of rejected proposals appeared to visualize their future and think that it “didn’t feel right,” (see Monk et al, 2020 for similar findings with broken engagements). Visualization of this sort might be a way to slow the “slide” into deeper levels of commitment (Stanley et al, 2006; see also Joel & MacDonald, 2021).…”