Rules of engagement: A content analysis of accepted and rejected marriage proposals.

Abstract

Little research exists concerning the Western marriage proposal ritual, and rejected proposals are particularly understudied. The current research used the lens of life script theory to quantitatively and qualitatively analyze 374 first-person written accounts of accepted and rejected marriage proposals between men and women that were sampled from online forums. Rejected proposals were more likely than accepted proposals to violate the proposal script. Compared to accepted proposals, rejected proposals included fewer ritual elements and they often happened “off-time.” Specifically, rejected proposals came earlier in the relationship, typically prior to the discussion of the topic of marriage by the couple, and rejected men sometimes proposed to “save” an unstable or abusive relationship that was headed toward dissolution. As with other important life transition events, audiences played an important role in many proposals. Rejected proposals were more likely to occur in public than accepted proposals, and when present, audience members often participated in the proposal by encouraging couples to follow the proposal script and by expressing dissatisfaction when the script was violated. Some audiences became hostile when the woman said “no.” Also consistent with life script theory, couples evinced strong emotions during proposals, and confusion and anger were common emotional responses among rejected suitors. Indeed, 15% of rejected proposal accounts described intimate partner violence. Yet, about 30% of relationships continued after the rejection, sometimes for years. These and other novel results contribute to the science of close relationships, family psychology, life script theory, commitment, rejection, and social rituals.

Conformity to Heterosexual Engagement Proposal Scripts: Do Same-Sex Couples Benefit?

“…Previous studies of engagement proposals (Chinichian 2008;Hoplock 2016;Hoplock and Stinson 2022;Hunter 2011;Lamont 2014;Moore, Kienzle, and Flood Grady 2015;Ponzetti 2005;Sassler and Miller 2011;Schweingruber, Anahita, and Berns 2004;Sniezek 2013) agree on a number of points, including that the proposal is a ritual with standard elements that ratifies an earlier agreement to marry. This research has identified several standard elements of the proposal (even though they may not be present in every proposal).…”