“There’s no reason to do monogamy”: Evidence for and Characteristics Associated with a Strong Desire for Consensual Nonmonogamy

Abstract

Introduction Consensual nonmonogamy (CNM) is a form of relationship practiced by many despite widespread stigma against it. In this study, we explore evidence of strong, persistent desire for CNM among some individuals, and look for commonalities among these individuals. Method Between February 2019 and June 2020, we conducted qualitative, semi-structured interviews with 51 US adults who had practiced CNM for between 3 and 50 years, recruited via community contacts and snowball method. Participants reported a broad diversity of sexual orientations and gender identities; 62.7% reported European/white ancestry. We conducted thematic analysis to examine evidence of strong, persistent desire for CNM and common characteristics and experiences among participants. Results We describe 7 sub-themes that suggest a strong desire for CNM, such as pursuing CNM early in life, experiencing difficulties in attempts at monogamy, and describing one’s desire for CNM as enduring or unchangeable. We then describe 9 characteristics and experiences that were common among participants, such as a preference for autonomy, not experiencing categorical distinctions among relationships, desiring to make life plans with multiple adults, and exposure to communities whose norms do not assume monogamy. Conclusions Our data indicate a pattern of desires, life choices, and self-perceptions suggesting that some individuals strongly desire and persistently pursue CNM (whereas others appear to be comfortable with both CNM and monogamy). Policy Implications Our results suggest that some individuals consistently desire and pursue CNM relationships, and therefore would benefit from efforts toward destigmatization and reduction of institutional disadvantage against the practice of CNM.

Perceived Impacts of Partners’ Other Relationships on Oneself in Consensual Nonmonogamy

“…However, as demonstrated in Theme 6, “benefits and positive feelings stemming from partners getting their needs met by others,” the time that a partner spends with their other partner(s) is sometimes instead perceived as a benefit to oneself, by creating “alone time,” releasing oneself from meeting a partner’s needs (Deri, 2015 ; Thouin-Savard, 2021 ), or allowing collaboration with metamours to meet a partner’s needs (Bove, 2017 ; Watson & Lubrano, 2021 ). Indeed, one of the perceived benefits to oneself of having multiple partners is having one’s own various needs met in different relationships (Arter & Bunge, 2023 ; Moors et al, 2017 ; Wood et al, 2021a ). Our finding that some individuals perceive benefits to themselves from their partners getting needs met in other relationships suggests that for at least some who practice CNM, each individual getting needs met across multiple relationships may be experienced as a net benefit for all parties.…”

“…Twenty-eight reported their gender as nonbinary, genderqueer, or other non-cisgendered, 18 reported woman/female, and four reported man/male (one did not report their gender). Thirty-five reported bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, or queer orientations; 10 reported heterosexual or mostly heterosexual; four reported gay/lesbian/homosexual; and two reported “other” or declined to respond (for a more detailed presentation of these demographic characteristics, see Arter & Bunge, 2023 ).…”

“…Note that a previous qualitative study has been published based on a different subset of data from this sample, and our methods are similarly described in that paper (Arter & Bunge, 2023 ). The aim of data collection was to explore in an open-ended fashion CNM individuals’ thoughts and feelings about their metamours (i.e., their sexual/romantic partners’ other sexual/romantic partners), their interactions with their metamours, and their partners’ relationships with metamours.…”

“…In reflexive thematic analysis, the researcher first expansively explores broad data via grouping of like quotes, concurrent with and followed by development of themes that describe “repeated patterns of meaning” (Braun & Clarke, 2006 , p. 86) across sets of quotes; this process is recognized as inherently subjective, active, and exploratory and does not require multiple coders but does require transparency regarding the researcher’s work process, which we provide next (Braun & Clarke, 2006 , 2021 ; Saldaña, 2013 ). For a detailed description of the preliminary stages of data processing, see Arter and Bunge ( 2023 ). Briefly, we began with the aim of expansively exploring both explicitly described experiences with and feelings about metamours and implicit patterns among responses noted by the researcher, via a broad first-pass analysis of our entire data corpus (Bazeley & Jackson, 2013 ; Braun & Clarke, 2006 , 2021 ; Saldaña, 2013 ).…”

‘It's a magnifying glass for your relationship’: a thematic analysis of motivations, benefits, and challenges in consensually non‐monogamous relationships

“…Our database searches revealed three qualitative studies of CNM as a single group: one researched the benefits of CNM (Moors et al., 2017), another studied motivation for engagement (Wood et al., 2021), and the third studied the desire to engage and associated characteristics (Arter & Bunge, 2021). Similar themes were identified in these three studies, including diversified need fulfilment, personal growth, and community involvement.…”