Sexual Desire Discrepancy as a Feature, Not a Bug, of Long-Term Relationships: Women's Self-Reported Strategies for Modulating Sexual Desire

Abstract

Introduction Sexual desire discrepancy is commonly reported by couples in long-term romantic relationships. Given the idiosyncratic nature of desire, and the lack of a “one size fits all” model approach to address desire concerns, it is useful to understand more about the range of ways that women and their partners modulate sexual desire. Aim This study aims to assess women's strategies to influence their sexual desire and the self-reported effectiveness of these strategies. Methods One hundred seventy-nine women who had been in a relationship with a male partner for 5+ years completed an anonymous Internet-based survey. Main Outcome Measures Participants responded to three open-ended items about the strategies they use to address desire issues and how helpful those strategies are. Results The most common responses regarding what participants did to get desire back on track included: communication, trying to meet partner's needs, having sex without desire, and having patience/letting time work out the problem. Women also mentioned several specific strategies they had employed: communication, scheduling sex, lingerie, and a date night. However, a large number of women discussed that the issue was not resolved, and they were dissatisfied with attempted strategies. Conclusions This research provides valuable insight into the construction of women's sexual desire and the strategies used to navigate sexual desire in long-term relationships.

Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships

“…Note that most participants defined having sex as vaginal penetration and classified other forms of sexual activity (e.g., oral sex, manual stimulation) as not having sex. Many of these strategies were similar to the ones identified by Herbenick et al (2014) suggesting they can be used as a way to deal with desire discrepancy when it occurs but also as a way of getting back on track. The relative frequency of certain strategies differed, however, potentially reflecting our study design, which included both men and women and asked specifically about maintenance within the relationship.…”

“…We recognize that ebbs and flows are a natural part of the experience of sexual desire (Acevedo & Aron, 2009;Herbenick et al, 2014;Vowels et al, 2018). Within relationships, sexual desire discrepancy is an inevitable experience and can be difficult for couples to navigate successfully.…”

“…The study used spectral and cross-spectral analysis to identify cycles in sexual desire and found that individuals exhibited periodic fluctuations in their desire over the course of a month indicating that there may be regular and predictable fluctuations in desire (Vowels, Mark, Vowels, & Wood, 2018). If desire ebbs and flows naturally, then it is unlikely partners will always be in sync with each other, making desire discrepancy inevitable and potentially problematic for the relationship unless there are strategies employed to mitigate these phases in relationships (Herbenick, Mullinax, & Mark, 2014).…”

“…The specific strategies used to mitigate sexual desire discrepancy within long-term relationships have been investigated to a degree in prior research. For example, in a mixed methods study of 179 women in long-term relationships with men, the participants were asked what they do to get their desire back on track when they are out of sync (Herbenick et al, 2014). The authors identified several strategies that the women used to deal with the desire discrepancy including having sex anyway, using toys, being close physically without having sex, or scheduling sex.…”

“…The present paper aimed to build on the study by Herbenick et al (2014) in several ways by investigating strategies reported by both men and women and by acknowledging that desire discrepancy is a normal part of relationships and thus asking about strategies for when desire discrepancy occurs rather than about ways to get desire back on track. A large-scale study conducted in the U.S. also found that individuals higher in sexual satisfaction and desire reported having more sex, receiving more oral sex, were more likely to incorporate a range of sexual acts, and were more likely to engage in sexual communication (Frederick, Lever, Joseph Gillespie, & Garcia, 2016) and thus the current study also addressed whether using different strategies is associated with sexual and relationship satisfaction and sexual desire.…”