Sex, Love and Security: Accounts of Distance and Commitment in Living Apart Together Relationships

Abstract

Drawing on a 2011 national survey and 50 semi-structured interviews, we explore the differing ways in which those in living apart together (LAT) relationships discuss and experience notions of commitment. We found that sexual exclusivity in LAT relationships is expected by the large majority, regardless of their reasons for living apart. The majority of the interviewees also expressed a high degree of commitment to their partner in terms of love, care and intimacy, alongside an appreciation of the increased freedom and autonomy that living apart has to offer. Respondents were divided into four groups according to their perceived commitment: 1. Autonomous commitment, 2. Contingent commitment, 3. Ambivalent commitment, and 4. Limited commitment. Despite differing degrees of commitment, however, the overall finding was that the importance of relating and making relational decisions was central, even in the lives of those living in such unconventional relationship styles.

Pathways to commitment in living-apart-together relationships in the Netherlands: A study on satisfaction, alternatives, investments and social support

“…On the contrary, it is sometimes argued by cohabiters (Duncan et al, 2005) and LATs (Carter et al, 2015) that their relationships involve higher levels of commitment compared to married couples, precisely due to the lack of formal, legal and structural barriers to separation. Their sole reason for staying together is wanting to be together.…”

“…Amongst other phenomena, this diversification revealed itself in a rise in unmarried cohabitation, divorce and extramarital childbirth (Lesthaeghe, 2010), and in the increased prevalence or visibility of living-apart-together (LAT) relationships (Carter, Duncan, Stoilova, & Phillips, 2015;Latten & Mulder, 2014). LAT refers to couple relationships in which the partners do not live together (Haskey, 2005).…”

“…The new and de-standardised family models that have arisen suggest, according to some, that commitment is less important in modern, individualised societies (Carter et al, 2015). Commitment refers to a sense of being emotionally attached and wanting to maintain a relationship in the future (Rusbult, 1980).…”

“…People in LAT relationships (so-called "LATs") arguably show even less commitment than cohabiters. Their relationships typically lack structural investments, such as a joint mortgage or children (Carter et al, 2015), which are public expressions of commitment. At the same time, this lack of structural investments makes LAT relationships relatively easy to exit.…”

“…Their sole reason for staying together is wanting to be together. Essentially, high and low commitment can be present in all types of relationships (Carter et al, 2015). In view of the changing nature and meanings of partner relationships, partner commitment is an important element in the scientific debate about the individualisation of society.…”