Difficult Friendships and Ontological Insecurity

Abstract

In this paper we explore some of the negative aspects of friendship. In so doing we do not seek to join the debate about whether or not friendships are more or less important than other relationships but rather to explore precisely how significant friendships can be. Based on written accounts submitted to the British Mass Observation Project, we analyse how friendship, when it goes wrong, can challenge one's sense of self and even produce ontological insecurity. Friendship, it is argued, is tied into the process of self-identification and so staying true to friends, even when the relationships becomes uneven or tiresome, can be a sign of ethical standing. Meeting 'old' friends can also become very challenging, especially if one does not wish to be reminded of the self one once was. The paper contributes to the growing interest in relationships beyond kin.

Alcohol and the Constitution of Friendship for Young Adults

“…Perhaps the best known of this literature theorizes contemporary spousal or marriage relationships as 'pure relationships' (Giddens, 1996) or 'liquid love' (Bauman, 2003). Ray Pahl (2000) and other sociologists of friendship (Allan and Adams, 2007;Badhwar, 2008;Rawlins, 1992;Smart et al, 2012) argue that friendship relationships are also patterned by social and historical contexts. Contemporary friendship, they argue, is a chosen relationship, albeit usually forged with people of our own gender and social status.…”

What Is a Friend? An Exploratory Typology of the Meanings of Friendship

“…Friends may well assume a central role in reassuring the modern individual regarding the continuity of their self-identity, reaffirming a "sense of the reliability of persons and things, so central to the notion of trust" ( [33], p. 92). Confirming this, and inverting the perspective, Smart et al [11] have shown how difficult friendships install in the individual a feeling of existential anxiety and ontological insecurity, because they seriously, and sometimes permanently, jeopardize interpersonal trust (this state of existential anxiety and fear being the precise opposite of trust [33]). …”

Showing how they feel: the emotional reflexivity of people with dementia

“…Indeed, within the overall study, spouses with dementia -particularly wives -evinced a degree of vulnerability about their increasingly dependent status within their marital relationships (Boyle, 2013). Similarly, Smart et al (2012) suggest that women are more likely than men to be open about their perceived vulnerability within relationships. Whereas dementia research often focuses on self-esteem as an internally derived form of self-conception, which becomes susceptible to the invasive effects of the illness (eg, Brod et al, 1999), of course social relations influence our social esteem (Honneth, 1995).…”

“…Accordingly, some people with dementia in the study conveyed a sense of 'ontological insecurity' -for example via their anxiety -particularly when they had limited ability to probe others about their actions (Smart et al, 2012). Indeed, within the overall study, spouses with dementia -particularly wives -evinced a degree of vulnerability about their increasingly dependent status within their marital relationships (Boyle, 2013).…”

“…Accordingly, people with more advanced dementia exhibited regard for others, for example when they showed warmth and kindness. In addition, they sought to ascertain other people's motivations and reward evidence of integrity, such as when they judged us as researchers to be trustworthy and endeavoured to be helpful to us (Smart et al, 2012). They also demonstrated concern when the behaviour of others appeared to challenge their moral standards, for example when a husband was perceived to have been somewhat remiss.…”