Walking the Tightrope Between Honesty and Harm in Difficult Conversations: A Theory of Honest Engagement Across People, Contexts, and Time

Abstract

From delivering negative feedback at work to discussing death and illness with children and setting boundaries with loved ones, having difficult conversations is a necessary but challenging part of life. In this work, we introduce the Honesty-Harm Conflict (HHC) model of difficult conversations to explain how the perceived costs and benefits of difficult conversations influence honest engagement across people, contexts, and time. Building on past work, we begin with the assumption that difficult conversations are typically experienced as a tradeoff between causing immediate harm and fostering long-term learning and growth. Furthermore, communicators expect to experience personal costs during difficult conversations as a function of the immediate social harm they anticipate inflicting on others. Therefore, we propose that honest engagement in difficult conversations requires overcoming both the interpersonal challenges associated with harm aversion and the self-regulatory challenges associated with prioritizing abstract, long-term benefits over concrete, short-term costs. In the present work, we explain how these challenges influence three distinct stages of difficult conversations: establishing the truth, sharing the truth, and expressing the truth. Then, we explain when and why these challenges loom large across contexts and propose promising new interventions to overcome them. In doing so, we deepen our understanding of honesty, self-regulation, and everyday harm, and we provide practical guidance on managing, mentoring, and promoting others’ growth.

Is Honesty the Best Policy? The Distinct Effects of Honest Expressions, Perceptions, and Connections on Well-Being and Change

“…For example, honestly communicating threatening or negative information may hurt a partner or strain a relationship. Thus, while it is often implied and assumed that honesty can benefit our relationships, identifying when the costs and benefits of honesty arise can have important implications for health and well-being (Cooper et al, 2023;Le et al, 2022;Levine et al, 2020Levine et al, , 2023Levine & Cohen, 2018).…”

“…They may do so for many reasons. People see being honest as being in conflict with being kind (Levine et al, 2020(Levine et al, , 2023Levine & Cohen, 2018), and thus, may engage in lying to appear kind or to avoid punishment, relational trauma, or hurting others (Bailey & Iyengar, 2022;Cole, 2001;DePaulo et al, 1996;Metts, 1989). Misconceptions about the effects of honesty-through overperceiving its harm and underestimating its benefits (Levine & Cohen, 2018)-may be a barrier to expressions of honesty when it may in fact promote closeness, communication, and connection.…”

“…Recent theories highlight that there are also costs to honesty. While honesty may help spur long-term growth in an individual or relationship, it can do so at the cost of inflicting short-term harm (i.e., stress or negative emotions) when the honest information shared is threatening or hurtful (Levine et al, 2020(Levine et al, , 2023Levine & Cohen, 2018). Because of the potential costs of sharing threatening information, people may be reluctant to be honest even when that honesty may have high utility for the target or relationship (Fulham et al, 2022;Levine et al, 2020).…”

“…We undertake a longitudinal investigation of honesty given that its effects have been theorized to have different consequences in the short-versus long-term. Recent theory has posited that being honest in difficult conversations may have longer-term benefits for individual growth despite the short-term negative emotions it may elicit (Levine et al, 2023). Indeed, research examining the effects of requesting change in relationships has also indicated that directly requesting change from partners can compromise relationship well-being in the short-term but spur behavioral change in the longer-term (Overall et al, 2009).…”

“…Because the dual positive and negative effects of honesty may cancel each other out during a challenging discussion (Levine et al, 2023;Overall et al, 2009), we theorize that honesty will have a neutral effect on well-being in the short-term. However, in the longer-term, after the initial negative feelings of an honest change discussion have passed, the benefits of honesty may emerge for couple well-being.…”