The Reasons People Think About Staying and Leaving Their Romantic Relationships: A Mixed-Method Analysis

Abstract

Across three studies (total N = 993) with diverse methodologies (i.e., experimental studies, longitudinal in vivo sampling), we found that there are distinct reasons why individuals believe their romantic relationship will become, or did become, less committed, and reasons why individuals believe their relationships will become, or became, more committed. Whereas the strongest endorsed reasons to stay (e.g., satisfaction) are the same as the strongest endorsed reasons to leave (e.g., dissatisfaction), there are many constructs that are more strongly endorsed as either leave reasons (e.g., quality of alternatives) or stay reasons (e.g., love). These reasons are important glimpses into the process that occurs when someone is deciding whether to stay or leave a relationship, and results empirically confirm a core tenet of Interdependence Theory that until now has been only theoretical (i.e., some outcomes contribute more motivation to staying in the current relationship, whereas others contribute more motivation to leaving).

Mixed and conflicted: The role of ambivalence in romantic relationships in light of attractive alternatives.

“…As social exchange and interdependence theory suggest (Levinger, 1979; Rusbult, 1983), relational stability and satisfaction are greatly influenced by the subjective evaluation of one’s own relationship “reward” and “costs” compared to those that could be obtained through other possible relationships (e.g., Amato & Hohmann-Marriott, 2007; Levinger, 1979). According to these perspectives, the positive and negative outcomes associated with the current relationship provide valuable information that motivates people to make an important relationship relevant choice, and having good alternatives is one of the strongest reasons to change the relationship one is currently in (e.g., transforming a monogamous relationship to a consensually nonmonogamous one; MacDonald et al, 2021) or leave the relationship altogether (Machia & Ogolsky, 2021). Importantly, the evaluative process that people go through when making these relationship decisions and evaluating its costs and benefits is a turbulent one (Joel et al, 2021), as it likely brings saliency to the conflicting emotions present in the relationship, highlighting and exacerbating preexisting feelings of ambivalence toward their current romantic partner.…”

Quality of alternatives positively associated with interest in opening up a relationship

“…Although people may believe in the abstract that rejecting a romantic partner will be relatively easy, the closer they get to actually initiating the dissolution, the more they are likely to experience discomfort at the prospect of rejecting their partner (Joel et al, 2014), especially when they are aware that their partner is dependent on the relationship and will be hurt by their decision (Joel et al, 2018). Further, despite the presence of reasons to leave a relationship such as the attractiveness of alternatives, many individuals considering ending a relationship simultaneously hold many reasons they might like to stay (e.g., emotional security, family duty, financial benefits; Joel et al, 2018; Machia & Ogolsky, 2020). The conflicting desires to approach alternatives and avoid hurting the partner, as well as the mix of reasons to leave and reasons to stay in the relationship more generally, are associated with ambivalence around the stay/leave decision (Joel et al, 2021).…”

So where do you see this going? The effects of commitment asymmetry and asynchrony on relationship satisfaction and break‐up

“…According to the investment model (Rusbult, 1980(Rusbult, , 1983, commitment stems from relationship satisfaction, quality of alternatives, and investments in the relationship. Commitment, in turn, influences partners' stay-leave decisions and how satisfying and stable the relationship is over time (e.g., Machia & Ogolsky, 2021). However, it is common for one partner to be more committed than the other at any given point in a relationship.…”