The imperfect attainment of intimacy: a key concept in marital therapy

Abstract

The intense though transient intimacy of romantic love is contrasted with the more durable and sustained intimacy of conjugal love. The latter, it is argued, requires that the partners have each attained an adequate degree of separateness and at the same time are able to allow themselves to become physically and emotionally close. Relationships which are not intimate are characterized by excessive degrees of dependence, directiveness or detachment. The equilibrium in a non‐intimate relationship is maintained by fears in the respective partners about the other becoming too separate, too close, too influential, too assertive, too capable etc. Therapy involves persuading each to try cautiously giving ground in one direction whilst the other is giving ground in a complementary direction. Intimacy will follow if neither is too controlling from above nor too clinging from below and both partners are able to relate on an equal adult to adult basis.

Relating therapy with individuals, couples and families

“…This paper is loosely linked with one I wrote for the Journal fourteen years ago (Birtchnell, 1986). The ideas emerging then have continued to emerge, and this paper will show how far they have taken me.…”

Commentary on ‘Power, gender, and marital intimacy’

“…Birtchnell (1986), a British psychiatrist writing from a psychoanalytic perspective, would concur with Rampage's emphasis on equality, but stressed the importance of both partners having attained an adequate degree of separateness whilst at the same time being able to become physically and emotionally close. However, in a society which is becoming more diverse through race and culture, coupledom and the married state has even more descriptions and happiness has ever more forms.…”

Letters to the Editors

“…Gorell Barnes's commentary (1994) on marital intimacy prompt me to make some observations in the light of my own theoretical developments (Birtchnell, 1986(Birtchnell, , 1993. Rampage wrote: 'It is a widely held assumption that the purpose of contemporary marriage is to satisfy each partner's needs for intimacy .…”

“…The point I made in my 1986 paper was that, when a marriage breaks down, the level of intimacy drops; that is, the drop in intimacy is a result rather than a cause of the breakdown. The therapeutic input should be directed towards repairing the breakdown, on the assumption that when the marriage is working again the intimacy will return (Birtchnell, 1986). I should like to modify Rampage's statement to: the purpose of contemporary marriage, as is the purpose of any relationship, is to satisfy each partner's relating needs, for there is more to relating than intimacy.…”