The Impact of Absence and the Ineffable Quality of Protocol

Abstract

The author considers a relatively unexplored aspect of loss, death, and dying: absence. She describes work with a range of clients in which an alternative or addition to the author’s repertoire of script and game analysis or deconfusion of the Child ego state was needed. This approach, which requires more of a wondering receptivity and an accompaniment without expectation, is particularly appropriate with clients who need to find meaning of their own around considerable gaps in their upbringing. The article challenges the assumption that personality is formed though injunctions, counterinjunctions, and drivers in response to significant others. Readers are invited to consider how much of who we are is formed beyond what is spoken or modeled by others. Consideration is given to Berne’s (1963/1975) theory of protocol as forming the essence or atmosphere that is absorbed into our very being.

A Life Yet to Be Found

“…In an article in which she argued for the possibility of the absence of protocol, Oates (2014) described clients with whom there is a sense of emptiness in the work that she understands as an “unknowing of the self with another” (p. 244). Introducing an idea elaborated by Alvarez (1992), Oates wrote about individuals “who are undrawn” and “have yet to be drawn into relationship, first and foremost with themselves, but through a relationship with another” (p. 248).…”

“…Similarly, Oates (2014) emphasized the role of maintaining aliveness in the work with these clients and disclosed her difficulties in the process, that is, “avoiding overcognitive meaning making” and “finding a way to penetrate the deeply buried dissociative layers to help the client make meaning of his or her own” (p. 251).…”

“…In the case of clients such as Sonia, I would argue, what is endangered is the very possibility of having a space of one's own in which to form and elaborate an internal life. The way I have come to understand the eradication of this psychological space is that, with some individuals, there is a potential absence of protocol (Oates, 2014). In articulating this perspective, I would like to address a particular kind of vulnerability that the therapist might experience: the often excruciating struggle to maintain a sense of vitality, a robust desire for and interest in the work at hand.…”