A manual for computations in direct Dark Matter detection phenomenology. Featuring self-contained sections on non-relativistic expansion, elastic and inelastic scattering kinematics, Dark Matter velocity distribution, hadronic matrix elements, nuclear form factors, cross sections, rate spectra and parameter-space constraints, as well as a handy two-page summary and Q&A section for a quick reference. A pedagogical, yet general and model independent guide, with examples from standard and non-standard particle Dark Matter models.