The conjugal‐parental dynamics of three lesbian couples and the role of the outside donor

Abstract

The use of a sperm donor is a means of access to parenthood for lesbian couples. Insemination by donor, whether through medical or non‐medical methods (such as self‐insemination at home), is still forbidden in France. Three different case examples are presented: an anonymous donor, a random donor, and specifically chosen one, in order to discover how the utilisation of a sperm donor affects relationships within the family, especially the dynamics between the couple and between the parents and the children. The position of the sperm donor vis‐à‐vis the family is also examined. A non‐directive interview with the parents and children as well as the completion of a family tree resulted in understanding how each couple's choice lay not only in the presumed interest of the child, but also in the dynamics of the couple as partners and parents, involving the personal and familial history of each partner, their representations of attachment, and the stakes they hold in becoming co‐parents. Complex issues were negotiated: the choosing of a donor, the place of the non‐biological mother vis‐à‐vis the children, the families’ connections with the couples’ families of origin, and the place of the sperm donor in relationship to the family. The resolution of these issues was linked to the family histories of the individuals in the couples as well as the history of their relationships. This study suggests that consideration of these historical factors in the decision‐making process for lesbian couples seeking sperm donation can lead to a fuller picture of options in the process and increased satisfaction with the outcome.