The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships.

Abstract

It is proposed that satisfaction is associated with idealistic, rather than realistic, perceptions of one's partner. To provide baselines for assessing relationship illusions, both members of married and dating heterosexual couples were asked to rate themselves and their partners on a variety of interpersonal attributes. Participants also rated the typical and ideal partner on these attributes. Path analyses revealed that individuals' impressions of their partners were more a mirror of their self-images and ideals than a reflection of their partners' self-reported attributes. Overall, intimates saw their partners in a more positive light than their partners saw themselves. Furthermore, these idealized constructions predicted greater satisfaction. Individuals were happier in their relationships when they idealized their partners and their partners idealized them. Taken together, these results suggest that a certain degree of idealization or illusion may be a critical feature of satisfying dating and even marital relationships.In the case of love, realities model themselves enthusiastically on one's desires. . . it is the passion in which violent desire is most completely satisfied. (Beyle Stendhal, De L'Amour) As Stendhal's musings in De L'Amour illustrate, people immersed in the experience of romantic love often appear to bend reality to the will of their hopes and desires. Rather than being constrained by the sometimes-disappointing reality of their partners' actual attributes, individuals may view their partners through the rosy niters provided by images of ideal partners. Within such idealized constructions, intimates may even see virtues in one another's apparent faults. For example, individuals may preserve feelings of confidence in their romantic relationships-in the face of the doubts posed by a partner's failings-by weaving stories that depict such faults in the best possible light (Murray

Transitions in romantic relationships and development of self-esteem.

“…Research suggests that individuals with high self-esteem show more constructive relationship behavior, which reduces the likelihood of conflicts and break-up (Murray et al, 1996a(Murray et al, , 1996b. In contrast, individuals with low self-esteem tend to show problematic behaviors such as excessive reassurance seeking, interpret ambiguous behavior of their partners negatively, and reduce closeness to the partner in times of relationship conflict (Joiner et al, 1999;Murray et al, 2000;Murray et al, 2002).…”

“…For example, individuals with low self-esteem might have a greater probability of experiencing separation and divorce, since they tend to interpret ambiguous behavior of their partners negatively, reduce closeness to the partner in times of relationship conflict, and show problematic behaviors such as excessive reassurance seeking (Joiner, Katz, & Lew, 1999;Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 2000;Murray, Rose, Bellavia, Holmes, & Kusche, 2002). In contrast, people with high self-esteem show more positive illusions about their romantic relationship, which contributes to relationship ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS AND SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT 6 satisfaction and reduces the likelihood of break-up and divorce (Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 1996a, 1996b. Furthermore, research suggests that self-esteem influences whether a person experiences success or failure in many life domains (Kuster et al, 2013;Orth et al, 2012;Trzesniewski et al, 2006), including the domain of romantic relationships (Orth et al, 2012).…”

Empathic accuracy and adolescent romantic relationships

“…Studies of adults have been mixed in their conclusions regarding the role of accuracy in romantic relationships (for review, see Thomas & Fletcher, 1997). For example, some studies demonstrate benefits of accurate perceptions (e.g., Swann, De La Ronde, & Hixon, 1994) and expectancies (e.g., McNulty & Karney, 2004), whereas others suggest benefits of positively biased perceptions (Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 1996) and expectancies (McNulty & Karney, 2002). Neff and Karney (2005) offered evidence supporting one way of reconciling these apparent inconsistencies, showing that, whereas the great majority of intimates demonstrate positively biased global perceptions of their partners (e.g., my partner is warm), the happiest partners tend to view their partners' specific qualities more accurately (e.g., my partner is conflictual).…”

Relationship-specific identification and spontaneous relationship maintenance processes.

“…The way people perceive their partners and relationships is one such relationship maintenance process. When people hold an idealized view of their partner, perceiving their partners more positively than the partners see themselves, and perceiving the relationship and the partner as better than average, they experience more satisfaction in their relationships and the relationship is more likely to survive (Murray & Holmes, 1997;Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 1996). Similarly, people in committed dating relationships have been found to downplay the severity of their partners' transgressions ( , and people who are satisfied with their relationships tend to give benevolent attributions for their partners' transgressions (Karney & Bradbury, 2000;see Bradbury & Fincham, 1990, for a review).…”