The elementary excitations of skyrmion crystals experience both emergent magnetic fields and anharmonic interactions brought about by the topologically nontrivial noncollinear texture. The resulting flat bands cause strong spontaneous quasiparticle decay, dressing the eigenmodes of skyrmion crystals with a finite zero-temperature quantum lifetime. Sweeping the flat bands through the spectrum by changing the magnetic field leads to an externally controllable energy-selective magnon breakdown. In particular, we uncover that the three fundamental modes, i.e., the anticlockwise, breathing, and clockwise mode, exhibit distinct decay behavior, with the clockwise (anticlockwise) mode being the least (most) stable mode out of the three.