Seeking connection can trigger shame loops in couples: An attachment‐based understanding

Abstract

Research shows that shame can have a severe negative impact on intimate relationships, leading to negative shame loops between partners. In this article, we aim to provide a theoretical analysis of how attachment theory can help us understand that shame loops within couple relationships may not only be triggered by negative cues, such as criticism from a partner but can also innocently be triggered by a partner seeking connection or even offering comfort. We also elaborate on how therapists may unexpectedly trigger and intensify a client's shame. We conclude by providing a case description and discussing the therapeutic implications that can be helpful when working with the paradoxes of shame in couple therapy.