Not Even Cold in Her Grave: How Postbereavement Remarried Couples Perceive Family Acceptance

Abstract

Following the interviews of 24 participants concerning the death of their spouse and subsequent remarriage, a pattern of unsolicited responses concerning perceived acceptance of family emerged. Through grounded theory qualitative analysis, a continuum of acceptance was developed ranging from welcoming acceptance to active disapproval. Themes that influenced the perceived level of acceptance were (a) the length of time between death and courtship; (b) the length of the courtship itself; and (c) the level of family involvement in the courtship. Findings support and enhance current literature on remarital adjustment, suggesting it is critical to not only include children, but also the extended family in which the family resides. Provisional hypotheses and clinical implications are provided to help clinicians navigate these complex family dynamics and potentially increase family support.

Regret and Repair: Experiences of Adult Children and Parents When a Father Remarries Soon After the Death of a Spouse

“…Rather than moving through a similar pattern of grief in a predictable way, participants described these five experiences in different ways and at different times, creating more of a circular experience of loss. The research we found in our literature review confirmed a number of the individual experiences we found: for example, childrens’ feelings of losing one parent in body and then another in relationship (Anderson & Greene, 2013; Riches & Dawson, 2000), and family members simultaneously wanting to hold onto memories and let go as new relationships emerged (Engblom-Deglmann & Brimhall, 2016; Simhi-Meidani & Koren, 2018). However, the shared relational experiences between adult children and their fathers - different experiences of loss in the same family, fathers looking back with unexpressed regret, and experiences of repair - were new to us.…”

“…Rather than trying to explain in a linear way why a person chooses to remarry after the loss of a long-term partner, we find it more helpful to look at the complex web of interrelating factors that impact decision-making. For many parents, the primary concern in remarrying someone new is that children (including adult children) will accept the new partner into the family (Engblom-Deglmann & Brimhall, 2016). Participants in a number of studies across several decades have identified wanting support from their families as their primary concern during this time (Lee et al, 2001; O’Neill & Keane, 2005; Visher & Visher, 1996).…”

“…Factors that seem to support maintaining family relationships include a longer period of time between the loss of the original partner and beginning to date again, longer courtship before remarrying, and keeping other family members (including children) involved in the formation of the new relationship. The opposite – shorter times between events, shorter courtships, and keeping the relationship secret – makes it more difficult for family members to maintain good relationships across these transitions (Engblom-Deglmann & Brimhall, 2016).…”

“…Presumably, when a spouse passes away, the remaining partner still wanted to be married, and may be more inclined to seek out a new partnership sooner than later (James & Shafer, 2012). Whether or not a death was expected, and the length and manner of the passing-away process impact how and when someone decides to begin dating again (Engblom-Deglmann & Brimhall, 2016). When the dying process has been prolonged, such as in the case of cancer, the remaining partner may have already begun grieving months or even years prior.…”