This article takes an interest in gendered memory politics and addresses the dearth of research on gender and commemoration in relation to the genocide in Rwanda. It analyses elite-produced gendered narratives at key sites of commemoration and investigates their affective role in constituting the post-genocide Rwandan state. Through a methodological approach of ‘the situated gaze’, three central observations are made. First, women are mourned as a specific category of rape victims and mothers. Second, women’s experiences of sexual violence are at the same time censored and de-individualized. Third, no other experiences, beyond being a victim, are taken into account. The article finds that the top-down affective memory politics circumscribes the role women played during and after the genocide, and restricts their agency within the present state project of ‘national unity and reconciliation’.