Making sense of the parenting ‘soft/hard split’

Abstract

This paper explores the common parenting style tension around nurture versus limit‐setting often evident when working with families with a symptomatic child. Firstly it will delve into the parenting ‘soft/hard split’ with an overview of the literature on parenting styles. Next, it summarises the appearance of this phenomenon in the family therapy literature during its formative days, noting how Bowen, Minuchin, Haley, MRI (Bateson), and the Milan associates respond to this parent presentation in their approaches. Next, the paper outlines recent iterations of these family therapy interventions. An expanded discussion follows on Bowen theory's understanding of the parenting tension triangle. The article then outlines elements of the author's qualitative research study of parents' experience of adolescents' mental health treatment where the ‘soft/hard split’ emerged as a repeating theme. Finally, a clinical intervention based on Bowen theory, the Parent Hope Project, is outlined for how it addresses the parenting ‘soft/hard split.’ The goal is to contribute to understanding this phenomenon and its implications for clinical practice.

Reducing risk: navigating emotional triangles in clinical work with youth suicidality and self‐harm

“…Theoretically, this cohort of clinical families implies you are working with the manifestation of a central concept in Bowen family systems therapy – an emotional distance in the couple relationship, which fuels a focus on a child or children, which in turn reciprocally fuels symptoms and increases parental concern and child focus. Emotional distance in couples can manifest behaviourally in different ways, often observed by clinicians as ‘a soft hard split’ (Brown, 2023) or conversely as a harmonious cooperative parenting team. In the latter, the underlying emotional process is often hidden from families and clinicians.…”

“…This is what Bowen theorised as a major factor underlying severe and chronic symptoms in children and adolescents as it unwittingly denies a young person the impetus to put their emotional energy into grappling with the developmental challenges of adolescence and grow their own capacities and resilience (Bowen, 1978). As Brown (2023, p. 230) writes, ‘the child's developmental breathing space becomes emotionally overcrowded and the child comes to play their part in the triangle by increasingly focusing on their parents’.…”