Love Them and Hate Them: The Developmental Appropriateness of Ambivalence in the Adolescent Sibling Relationship

Abstract

The quality of sibling relationships has important implications for each sibling's development, and not always in the expected ways, because both conflict and intimacy are associated with both positive and negative developmental outcomes. Additionally, these relationship qualities do not occur in isolation since sibling relationships are known as the quintessential love-hate relationship. The ambivalence (i.e., coexistence of positive and negative feelings) siblings experience toward one another during childhood and adolescence and the prevalence of this feeling make the sibling relationship unique. Ambivalence in the sibling relationship during adolescence is developmentally appropriate and may benefit individuals throughout life. In this article, we argue that adolescence is the tipping point in the sibling relationship that sets the stage for how healthy and engaged, or distant and uninvolved, relationships with siblings become in adulthood. KEYWORDS-siblings; adolescenceUnsurprising to the more than 80% of youth who grow up with a sibling, sibling relationships are often considered the quintessential love-hate relationship. It is this ambivalence, or the coexistence of positive and negative feelings toward one another, that is often considered one of the unique hallmarks of siblinghood. While ambivalence in other close relationships (e.g., parent-child relationships, friendships, romantic liaisons) is considered suboptimal, we argue in this article that the ambivalent nature of the sibling relationship, particularly during adolescence, is both relationally and developmentally appropriate, and can have unique costs and benefits.Research and theory suggest that all close relationships must involve balancing positivity and negativity or conflict and closeness. From a social relational perspective, Collins and Laursen (1992) suggest that how much conflict or negativity a relationship can handle is determined by the type of relationship. Closed-field relationships (e.g., parent-child relationships, sibling relationships) are constrained by genetics, norms, or laws. Alternatively, open-field relationships (e.g., friendships, romantic relationships) are more likely to be voluntary and to form (and dissolve) at much faster rates. Given these distinct traits, closedfield relationships can withstand greater conflict or negativity than open-field relationships.As closed-field relationships, sibling relationships can withstand more conflict and intensity of affect than other egalitarian relationships (e.g., those with friends, romantic partners). Additionally, while parent-child relationships can also withstand more conflict than relationships with peers, siblings are likely able to withstand greater ambivalence than parents and children because of the more imbalanced hierarchy children have with their parents. Over the course of adolescence, the parent-child power imbalance shifts, and at least until autonomy is achieved, youth are at a disadvantage in terms of making decisions within the relationship. Relationships wit...

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