“In Search of a Tale They can Live With”: About Loss, Family Secrets, and Selective Disclosure

Abstract

Several authors have written about family secrets in the family therapy literature in interesting ways. According to these authors, the questions "who knows the secret?" and "who does not know the secret?" are central. In the present study, we have qualitatively analyzed the documentary film Familiegeheim (Family Secret) by the Dutch director Jaap van Hoewijk. The film shows van Hoewijk's investigation into the death of his father in 1974 and tells the story of a family in which the suicide of the father is kept secret from the three children. Our analysis of the film highlights the complex ways in which families deal with sensitive issues like loss, grief, and suicide. The concept of family secrets seems to poorly capture this complexity, focusing one-sidedly on the destructive effects of withholding delicate information. The concept of selective disclosure is proposed as an alternative. Selective disclosure refers to the complex processes involved in dealing with the dialectic tension between sharing information and keeping it secret. The concept is not only focused on the destructiveness of secrecy but, in addition, also makes room for an appreciation of the caution with which family members deal with sensitive family issues.

Trying to Comfort the Parent: A Qualitative Study of Children Dealing With Parental Depression

“…With regard to the second dynamic “hiding worry as an answer to parent’s invitations”, our findings seem to connect with previous research on the role of selective disclosure in families (e.g., Rober, Walravens, & Versteynen, 2011). Selective disclosure refers to “complex processes involved in dealing with the dialectic tension between sharing information and keeping it secret” (Rober et al., 2011, p. 1). In families confronted with parental depression, dynamics of protecting each other from sensitive information and difficult emotions might be present.…”

“…In an attempt to enhance relational resilience in families with a parent with affective illness, Focht‐Birkerts and Beardslee (2000) developed prevention programs focusing on family communication. In this respect, we suggest that apart from disclosure, hesitations are very meaningful in families (Rober, 2002; Rober et al., 2011) as they touch the key point in both children’s and parents’ experience; “we want to be careful as to not hurt our family member even more”. Furthermore, not talking and silences are important as their exploration can give access to unvoiced worries and concerns of the family members (Rober, 2002).…”

Family characteristics and dynamics: A systems approach to grief

“…Such reorganization might involve the sharing of family 'secrets', e.g. the disclosure of the nature of the death of a family member to others in the (extended) family that facilitate honest and intimate communication within the family (Klever, 2005;Rober, Walravens, & Versteynen, 2012).…”

Selective Disclosure in a First Conversation About a Family Death in James Agee's NovelA Death in the Family

“…Thus, selective disclosure is an interpersonal process as well as an intrapersonal process. It seems to be ultimately aimed at constructing an emotionally acceptable and supportive story, a story to live by (Rober et al, 2011). Although the first concern may be for the one who is considered most vulnerable, in the developing story the others get dragged along as they must act like they accept the story, even if they do not believe it.…”

“…A work of fiction can add an important perspective to our understanding of the process of disclosure of sensitive information in families. Some years ago, one of us started with an analysis of a documentary film in which the director explored a dramatic secret in his own family (Rober, Walravens, & Versteynen, 2011). The other has used a Korean work of fiction to analyze Korean families interactions dealing with terminal illness (e.g., Rosenblatt & Yang, 2005) and more recently has been studying how racism affects interactions in African American families as depicted in novels by African American authors (Rosenblatt, n.d.).…”