“If You’re Reading This, It’s Because I’ve Died”: Masculinity and Relational Risk in Base Jumping

Abstract

In this autoethnography, I highlight the relationship between risk and responsibility in my gender project as I first take up, and then walk away from, BASE jumping. To address these issues, I write into a space of uncertainty, exploring the productive potential of polyvocality and writing as a method of inquiry.Dans cette auto-ethnographie, je souligne la relation entre le risque et la responsabilité dans mon projet de genre alors que j'entreprends puis abandonne le BASE jump. Pour répondre à ces questions, j'écris dans un espace d'incertitude et j'explore le potentiel productif de la plurivocité et de l'écriture comme méthode d'enquête.

The Marathon Journey of My Body-Self and Performing Identity

“…Over the past couple of years, I began to restore and reclaim my body-self (Frank, 1995) by building up my stamina and increasing the level of intensity with running and weight training, even though I was not able to perform like I once did before my body failed. Unlike other individuals who have suffered physical injuries and paralysis, I was unable to restore my body-self back to my sporting body (Frank, 1995;Smith & Sparkes, 2004Sparkes & Smith, 2002, 2003, 2011. I still did not identify as an athlete; that is, an able-bodied athlete.…”

“…No two stories are the same; despite the association we attempt to make with prior literature. For example, research has been conducted on the performing and changing identities of performers that retire (Martin, Fogarty, & Albion, 2014;Stier, J., 2007), sustain an injury (Laurendeau, 2013;Smith & Sparkes, 2004Sparkes & Smith, 2002, 2003, 2011Tasiemski, et al, 2004), and on able-bodiedness and disability (ChinJu & Brittain, 2006;Groff, D., & Zabrieske, R., 2006;Peers & Eales, in press); which exhibits that this growing body of literature demonstrates the importance of delving deeper into individuals' body-self and performing identities. If we accept Peers' and Eales' (in press) questioning and ultimately their argument as to who is able-bodied, then how do most individuals identify and how does that influence their embodiment?…”

“…I write in traditional text as my first and primary voice to describe my experiences and my collective story. However, as I look deeper within myself, my thoughts, my experiences, and ultimately my unsettled struggle in doing so (Dashper, 2013;Laurendeau, 2011), I employ an inner voice, which is displayed in italics (Ellis, 2004), to represent my critique and analysis of these experiences, both at the individual and societal levels.…”

“…Robinson and Taylor (2007) place emphasis on the actual voice, yet other scholars (e.g., Fisette, 2013;Cook-Sather, 2002;Dewar, 1991;Fine, 1994) focus on providing, accessing, or authorizing a person with a voice in order for them to be heard. In autoethnography, Sparkes (e.g., 1996Sparkes (e.g., , 1999Sparkes (e.g., , 2002, Laurendeau (2011), andDashper (2013) have used narrative inquiry to give voice to the body-self 1 and one's performing identity, especially in relation to individuals who have experienced and/or live with illness, pain, an injury or a physical disability. Frank (1995, 7) argues that "voices tell stories" and that through storytelling, people work out their changing identities.…”

The stigmatized physical educator

“…I also engaged in a writing and reflective practice through personal and professional journaling -of my daily and weekly experiences as well as my immediate analysis of each interview I conducted. The process conjured up deep emotion, causing me to be more intentional about my own reflexivity, which resulted in a struggle of who I felt I was, with whom I wanted to be (Ellis 2004, Laurendeau 2011, Dashper 2013.…”