Forming our grief rhythm: The relational window of tolerance for bereaved parents

Abstract

The shared loss of a child can present challenges to couple relationships as both partners attempt to cope with their own grief and their partner's grief. In this longitudinal qualitative study, five bereaved parent couples participated in 13 total interviews, revealing coregulatory interactions surrounding their shared loss. Using thematic coding and grounded theory analysis, their reflections were organized into three interrelated process themes: regulating self, regulating other, and forming our grief rhythm. This article explores the complexity of the last theme “forming our grief rhythm” in‐depth, and a new theoretical orientation, the relational window of tolerance, is introduced to examine how couples coregulate both fragile and stable states within their shared grief. The reflections of bereaved parents indicated that prolonged “dual fragile states” and prolonged “imbalanced states” may hinder relationship quality. In order to regain relationship stability, couples learned to trade off supporting one another and/or to resonate with one another in their shared pain. Implications for future research and clinical practice are discussed, focusing especially on how to integrate individual and relational needs into grief therapy frameworks.