Do Men and Women Show Love Differently in Marriage?

Abstract

In Western societies, women are considered more adept than men at expressing love in romantic relationships. Although scholars have argued that this view of love gives short shrift to men's ways of showing love (e.g., Cancian, 1986; Noller, 1996), the widely embraced premise that men and women "love differently" has rarely been examined empirically. Using data collected at four time points over 13 years of marriage, the authors examined whether love is associated with different behaviors for husbands and wives. Multilevel analyses revealed that, counter to theoretical expectations, both genders were equally likely to show love through affection. But whereas wives expressed love by enacting fewer negative or antagonistic behaviors, husbands showed love by initiating sex, sharing leisure activities, and doing household work together with their wives. Overall, the findings indicate that men and women show their love in more nuanced ways than cultural stereotypes suggest.

Adolescent romantic competence and parenting attitudes

“…Boys' capacity to handle relationships, despite lower sensitivity to partners, might result from their prior experiences in large groups where they learn to handle their relationships and conflict (Eder, Evans, & Parker, 1995). In contrast, girls might be more sensitive to their partners because of a greater desire for intimacy, probably because girls are raised, and encouraged, to be more invested in relationships (Jordan, 2004) and more attuned to, and accommodating of, their partners (Schoenfeld, Bredow, & Huston, 2012). Considered together, we might speculate that boys and girls learn to handle their relationships competently, but their approaches might evolve from different experiences.…”

‘You are stupid, you are cupid’

“…This view tends to be supported either by sociostructural or by evolutionary theories, for different reasons. The former focuses on gendered behaviour in relation to differences in power and status between women and men, whereas for the latter gender differences result from biological sex differences, reflecting in particular human mating behaviour (Schoenfield et al 2012(Schoenfield et al : 1397. Despite their differences these theoretical perspectives shares the view that…”

“…Specifically, whereas a woman may show her love by sharing her feelings or giving hugs and kisses, a man may show love by washing the dishes, initiating sex, or spending free time with his partner. (Schoenfield et al 2012(Schoenfield et al : 1397 However, as Elizabeth Schoenfield, Carrie Bredow and Ted Huston highlight, there is a dearth of empirical work on expressions of affection in intimate couples in the social sciences. Schoenfield et al's (2012) paper aims to redress this lack of empirical investigation, presenting their findings from a longitudinal study of 168 couples in rural central Pennsylvania (13 years; 4 waves of data collection).…”

“…That is, participants were asked about the following 7 behaviours which were taken to constitute expressions of affection: 1) Spouse A approved of or complimented spouse B 2) Spouse A made Spouse B laugh 3) Spouse A said "I love you" 4) Spouse A did something nice for spouse B 5) Talked about day's events 6) Shared physical affection (outside intercourse) 7) Shared emotions, feelings, or problems (adapted from Huston and Vangelisti 1991: 725) In line with many long-standing accounts from philosophy and psychology, including attachment theory, affection is contrasted with sexual interest or sexual passion. Instead '[l]ove was conceptualized as the extent to which participants felt a sense of closeness, belonging, and attachment to their partners' (Schoenfield et al 2012(Schoenfield et al : 1400. In this paper I align myself with this definition of love/affection.…”

Perceived Spouse's Affectionate and Antagonistic Behaviours and Marital Satisfaction

“…Furthermore, research shows that, when it comes to specific behaviours associated with love, both genders are equally likely to show love through affection (Huić, Kamenov, & Jelić, 2012). At the same time, wives (but not husbands) also expressed love by enacting less negative or antagonistic behaviour (Schoenfeld, Bredow, & Huston, 2012). Furthermore, longitudinal data of newly married couples followed over two years revealed a gender-differentiated relationship between satisfaction and marital behaviour: Negative behaviour, regardless of whether it was expressed by the husband or the wife, was associated with declines in wives' (but not husbands') satisfaction (Huston & Vangelisti, 1991).…”