Commentary: Love and Marriage

Abstract

Visual artist and writerThis past spring we marked our second wedding anniversary. Over a celebratory dinner we discussed the relevance of this date, which we both identify as the day on which we got married and not as our true anniversary. After all, when we were legally married we had already been together for 14 years and had, for all of those years, celebrated the date on which we made a significant commitment to each other: "Forever and ever or until we don't feel like it any longer." At that time, neither of us recognized marriage as an institution worthy of our consideration and both of us believed that gays and lesbians seeking equal access to this institution were seriously deluded. We were young lesbian feminists, and we knew marriage was a conservative ritual profoundly connected with being heterosexual and with the denial of women's rights (chiefly, our right to autonomy). Though pleased that straight friends and family members appeared happy at their weddings, we felt distanced from the whole procedure and were convinced it was all part of a process by which heterosexuals literally buy into the dominant value system (spending thousands of dollars on gowns, tuxedos, flowers, limousines, reception parties, gifts, et cetera). We firmly believed that fighting for the right to be legally married was tantamount to participating in the co-option of gay and lesbian relationships, i.e., it could only lead to the "straightening" out of our blissfully bent sexual and romantic liaisons.In 2003, after numerous Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms challenges, gays and lesbians began to win the right to marry. The arrival of same-sex marriage in the mainstream media as a hot button issue re-established our interest in the ongoing debates regarding the pros and cons of gay and lesbian activism around marriage. Once again, we considered the personal, political, and social advantages and disadvantages of gays and lesbians seeking to obtain the right to marry. There is no denying that marriage continues to be a heterosexual institution designed to ensure the subjugation of women by a male-dominated power elite. It has been long and well argued by feminists that marriage is fundamentally oppressive to women. Many lesbian activists contend that while same-sex marriage may improve the plight of gay men to obtain rights equal to those of their heterosexual brothers, it merely entrenches the subordinate position of lesbians