Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample

Abstract

This study investigated 898 parents' and adult children's reasons for estrangement in light of research on interpersonal attributions and the relational consequences of perspective taking. Three primary categories emerged: estrangement resulted from intrafamily, interfamily, or intrapersonal issues. Within each category, the frequency of parents' and children's reasons for estrangement differed significantly from each other. Parents reported that their primary reason for becoming estranged stemmed from their children's objectionable relationships or sense of entitlement, whereas adult children most frequently attributed their estrangement to their parents' toxic behavior or feeling unsupported and unaccepted. Parents also reported that they were unsure of the reason for their estrangement significantly more often than did children. Examining estrangement from the perspective of both parents and adult children offers potential avenues for family reconciliation and future communication research.

Parents and Children Who Are Estranged in Adulthood: A Review and Discussion of the Literature

“…Researchers who have utilized mixed‐methods approaches to study estrangement also have used different approaches to recruitment. Whereas the participants in Gilligan et al's () study were categorized as estranged according to researcher‐led criteria, participants in Carr et al's () study were recruited from “various websites associated with estrangement” (p. 132). The wording used to invite participants to complete the online survey was not provided, but one can assume that participants in this study identified with the word estrangement and had joined communities for those who were experiencing estrangement.…”

“…Several studies have explored the factors that contribute to estrangement between parents and adult children. These studies have explored the experiences of parents who are estranged from an adult son and/or daughter (Agllias, ; Carr et al, ; Dattilio & Nichols, ; Gilligan et al, ; Jerrome, ; Schwartzman, ) and adult children estranged from a parent (Agllias, ; Scharp & McLaren, ; Scharp & Thomas, ; Scharp et al, ).…”

“…Several studies have explored the factors that contribute to estrangement between parents and adult children. These studies have explored the experiences of parents who are estranged from an adult son and/or daughter (Agllias, 2015;Carr et al, 2015;Dattilio & Nichols, 2011;Gilligan et al, 2015;Jerrome, 1994;Schwartzman, 2006) and adult children estranged from a parent (Agllias, 2016a;Scharp & McLaren, 2017;Scharp & Thomas, 2016;Scharp et al, 2015). This literature has identified that the factors that contribute to estrangement are diverse and include feeling a lack of support, acceptance, and/or love from the estranged family member(s); feeling like their parent or child's behavior has been unacceptable or toxic in the past and/or present; a family member choosing one relationship over another; and having different values from one another.…”

“…Alongside this research, a literature has emerged in the past 10 years that has focused specifically on parents and adult children who are “estranged” (Agllias, , , , , , ; Agllias & Gray, ; Allen & Moore, ; Carr, Holman, Abetz, Kellas, & Vagnoni, ; Conti, ; Conti & Ryan ; Dattilio & Nichols, ; Gilligan, Suitor, & Pillemer, ; Jerrome, ; Kim, ; Scharp, , ; Scharp & Dorrance Hall, ; Scharp & McLaren, ; Scharp & Thomas, ; Scharp, Thomas, & Paxman, ). This literature confirms that contrary to dominant expectations and assumptions about the involuntary, ever‐lasting nature of family relationships, some parents and children have a distant and/or inactive relationship.…”

Communication Surrounding Estrangement: Stereotypes, Attitudes, and (Non)Accommodation Strategies

“…While estrangement is an ongoing process in which one or both parties are actively communicating to adjust and renegotiate intimacy boundaries [ 6 , 7 ], parental estrangement is often the result of the child wanting to decrease their parent’s unwanted involvement [ 8 ]. These adult child estrangers report betrayal, parental indifference, and lack of support, inclusion, and acceptance among their reasons for distancing [ 9 ] with some relationships involving abuse [ 6 , 10 , 11 ]. Intensifying of the estrangement can occur in linear and non-linear trajectories, with the latter including a “cycle of reunification” whereby an adult child attempts to reconnect with a parent, discovers that the behaviors or opinions that caused the estrangement had not changed, and then chooses to remove him or herself again from the relationship [ 6 , 10 ].…”