Algorithms exploiting parallelization are all but essential to make full use of modern computing architectures, leveraging multicore, multinode, and specialized hardware such as graphical processing units (GPUs). Methodology for statistical computing has been slow to adapt, although there are some notable success stories. Except in cases where models have statistical independence built in, computational independence for the purposes of distribution across computing elements implies approximation which may have (at worst) deleterious and (at best) unknown effects on inference and prediction. In this article, we consider nonlinear regression by Gaussian process (GP) models as a representative exemplar of the situation. GPs are popular in geo/spatial statistics, computer surrogate modeling, and machine learning, for their smooth, accurate predictions with excellent coverage properties, but can suffer from cubic run times and quadratic storage limitations. Strong spatial interdependence in canonical GP setups makes parallelization hard, but careful divide and conquer can facilitate massive distribution across the full span of contemporary hardware capabilities without compromising accuracy and uncertainty quantification properties. The specific idea and general recipe are ripe for extension to other large‐scale modeling applications.